This probably isn’t going to make sense because it might be hard to explain, however I will do my best to try and elaborate on the process. So what exactly is mental disconfiguration? Well for one it’s not an actual word, just something I came up with to try and explain what is going on in the wreck I call my mind. For two it’s what happens when there is so much going on in the noggin area that you can’t think straight. Your thoughts start racing, you feel defeated, depressed, stressed, confused, and you can’t figure out why. Your creative drive is full but you can’t do anything about it because the constant racing of your thoughts are blocking anything. In a way, it’s a state of mind that leaves your mental state not in a configuration, or in other words a dis-configuration. I took out the hyphen because, I don’t like it.
I created this, I guess blog? Website? Post to the internet thing to try and alleviate and align the mess that is in my mind almost constantly. To talk about what goes on seems to straighten everything out, kind of like a messy filing cabinet, all it needs is a little time dedicated to organization and all is well, or mostly well. Maybe there is a word for this that I don’t have, if so, please let me know because I might have a serious condition.
So, trying to explain this might get confusing, however bare with me please. The mind works more similarly to a computer than you might think. It works of a series of electronic pulses in certain patterns. You think of something, and a pulse is generated, you think of it again, it gets generated again. So with each new thing you learn, you get a new pattern of pulses through your mind. The more you tap into that memory or knowledge they stronger it gets because it doesn’t have time to really forget itself if that makes sense.
What I think happens with mental disconfiguration is that these pulses all start going off at the same time due to an event that happens. Usually with me it happens late at night, you get to thinking about life, then how depressing it is and how alone you are. You start to think of your past and how terrible it is and you look at yourself now and start regretting everything you’ve ever done. You start to make up what life could be like, and how utterly useless life is being a person on a dirt ball circling a gas ball with countless other gas and dirt balls around you. You start to think you are so insignificant and probably have some sort of anxiety attack or panic attack. You can’t think straight, your creativity is gone and because of that you start to shoot yourself down at how bad you are at something you enjoy. It is quite frustrating.
It’s not like you are confused, I know who I am, I know where I am, I know what to do, it’s just a state of almost depression but it’s like your mind is trying to figure itself out, or figure out what it’s doing. Maybe like a hiccup, but when it hiccuped it was like an earthquake went off so it has to put everything back where it belongs. This is also the time where I am most prone to come up with crazy ideas, or have topics to write about. Only problem is I cant flesh anything out and when I try to later on, I don’t have the ideas in my head.
So with all that said, this took me about three weeks to write because I haven’t had the mental capacity to try and explain it. If this makes sense, great, if not, then I don’t know how else to explain it. It’s a very dark thing that happens, and is very derailing.
We don’t control the mind, the mind is an entity of it’s own and we are just a shell for it’s survival.